Your BFF Loves You, But She’s Not Your Therapist

“Why pay someone to talk to when you can just call up your best friend?”  I have heard this type of question asked in various ways when someone is curious about a person going to see a therapist, but isn’t sure it’s worth it when they have supportive friends and family.

I have a great mom who counsels me often. Times with her feel therapeutic. But I would never consider her to be my therapist.

I want to explore why talking with your best friend (or mom) is not therapy, but first: if someone is genuinely curious if a person can receive therapy from their friend that’s actually a therapist: It is prohibited if you are unable to remain objective. You’ll understand after reading this blog why friends and family can’t fully be objective with one another.

But this blog is more about why getting support from friends and family doesn’t “count” as therapy work, even if it can be immensely helpful.

Why Your Best Friend Can’t Be Your Therapist

Okay, here we go.

Why your best friend - and mom - can’t be your therapist:

She is personally invested in your life.

·       You have a history that includes many different, hard, and hopefully lovely, experiences together.  That history prevents objectivity. And if your mother isn’t a very emotionally healthy person then she can place a lot of her own pain on top of your own pain and even make things worse. 

·       Depending on family and friends to be impartial is not fair. They are rooting you on at the expense of others because that is what belonging to a tribe is about at its core – survival of the unit and she’s in your unit (like it or not). If someone is threatening that, she will subconsciously side with you and therefore might not fully tell you like it is. 

She most likely does not have graduate school training in mental health.

·       Plus X number of supervised hours of “conducting therapy.”  If she does, then see previous.

·       Full disclosure: I have no recollection of learning how exactly one is to do the “conducting therapy” beyond the logistics of how a session is to go about its thing…. But I think you get what I’m saying.  Example: I may be gifted spatially and artistically, but don’t expect me to design your dream house up to code.  There IS a process (and certainly a code to follow) with therapy whether I can articulate it or not.

·       Point is - therapists are trained to address mental health challenges. Is your friend? If so, again, just see previous :)

She is in a give and take relationship with you.

·       Relying on friends and family for deep emotional processing that turns out to be one sided is a fast track to burnout and resentment for the recipient in that relationship. 

·       Therapy is inherently one-sided for good reason.

The Benefits of Therapy That Your BFF Can’t Guarantee

-       Your therapist literally makes it ALL about you. (Who wouldn’t want this?)

-       Your therapist will never (let’s hope) tell anyone else what you said about Karen unless a random court order forces her/him to produce a clinical note that happens to have you quoted verbatim. 

-       Your therapist has cool tricks and trades (i.e. modalities) up his/her sleeve that might literally change that trajectory of your life. (again… who wouldn’t want this?)

-       Your therapist is not directly involved in anything to do with your life so they can be free of personal judgement. (There may be some exceptions to this in smaller communities where unavoidable dual relationships are more common, but even then your therapist knows how to navigate that. Example: fellow church member and also your therapist.)

- Your therapist has pain as well, but they know (again, let’s hope) how to detach their own stories from your stories. They disclose parts of their own stories only when it would be helpful to you, and to demonstrate deep empathy (without all the enmeshment and expectations). 

-       Your therapist knows that therapy is one-sided and he/she works to maintain that sacred container with boundaries that protect it. Though we have boundaries with friends and family, they are not meant to be one-sided relationships.

Worth Noting…

Your BFF, Coach, Pastor, Teacher, Parent, etc. can have just as much of a significant positive (and negative) effect on your life as a Therapist; but for all intents and purposes – those relationships are just not considered therapy.

Also, people can find recovery and healing outside of therapy.  And I even know some people that have to recover and heal due to receiving therapy.

Nuance and gray abound, folks.    

Are You In Therapy?

If you are in therapy: know that you’re in a very specific type of relationship dynamic that just can’t fully be mimicked elsewhere. 

There are reasons set in place for licensure and oversight and all the laws that are exhausting to keep up with because it is such an important and sacred thing to tend to people’s emotional lives on a deep and often very messy level.

Yes, your BFF can get deep and messy, but your therapist just has the training necessary to help you untangle what your BFF can only hold with you - and also potentially turn that mess into meaning.